i can has snake now plz?

Sorry Pritchard!

First blog post in a while...But a more than important one that's for sure.

Let's cut the bullshit and get to the chase.

Thanks to Dainton, I prank called Matthew Pritchard (both of the best TV show around, Dirty Sanchez).

Trying to get his number round like wildfire (07929275462) I posted it on 4chan (along with the first of two rough transcripts of the phone call I made).

Turns out that news spreads faster than you might think.

Another poster on 4chan kindly linked everyone to this: http://www.budaily.com/?p=104

Shit...News DOES travel fast.

I'm famous on the Internet for pranking a legend...Wow, I guess this makes up for Play.com not delivering GT5 Prologue today.

Anyway...First copy of transcript:

My first call went something like this:

“Pritchard’s personal assistant” (sounded like Dainton) then he asked me my name, I said Mr Spanksworthy…He asked me if I wanted to leave a message and he put the phone on loudspeaker and recorded me saying “Hi Pritchard, I just wanted to let you know that your mother’s underwear is stickier than usual tonight…” and then he cut me off (loudspeaker) and said something like “You fucking cunt I’ll come and rape your mother in the arse in a minute!”

...and the second...

"Pritchard's PA here" (sounded like Dainton)

"Alright, is Pritchard there?"

"No, this is his PA, his personal assistant.

Do you want to leave a message?"

"Yeah ok"

"What's your name then please?"

"Mr Spanksworthy"

"Mr Spanksworthy?"

"Yeah"

"Right just wait a minute and when I say leave your message"

"OK"

"When you're ready"

"Alright Pritch, I just wanted to let you know that your mother's underwear is stickier than usual lately..."

(Obviously Pritchard pissed off now)

"YOU FUCKING CUNT! I'LL FUCKING RAPE YOUR MOTHER IN THE ARSE I WILL!"

*Me laughing the whole time*

*He hangs up*

...I honestly can't wait to see this uploaded.

Good Things Come...

...To those that buy shit games.

I'm quite pissed off right now.

I've just been browsing the US Playstation Store and I see some DLC (downloadable content) that really grabs my attention.

"Downloadable Bugatti Veyron"

The catch you ask?

It's for Need For Speed Pro Street.

I love racing games, but NFS doesn't cut it. They had a solid model with Carbon (it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad), and they just threw it out the window and fucked it with a dry 16" dildo.

Tears were shed.

Let me put it this way...

There is a mode (basically 'easy') in which you can play the game, and it will steer for you. That's not a trademarked over-exaggeration, but cold hard fact.

I only played the demo, but in which I set this mode on, held down accelerate, and won the race...The only human adjustment was that I slowed down for some corners.

*sigh*

I want the game to be good now just for the sake of driving the Bugatti Veyron.

EA, I'd like you to suck my balls.

E, you can deep throat me, careful on the teeth though.

A, you can focus on making sure my balls don't feel left out.

...The C&C 3 expansion pack better make up for this.

I'm Doing This For Yoyobek

Yep, Yoyo tied me down and showed me a verity of whips and chains and is now forcing me to blog.

Well I'm not going to argue, after all, I did plan to blog on Christmas day (I blame alcohol).

Anyway, she's right in saying I have something to blog about today, because I do!


I had a lovely dinner today, I went to KFC and had a huge meal, it was damn tasty to boot. On the way back in the car we had a conversation.

It went like this:

Me: "Jay, isn't this where we lost it going 50mph?"

Jay: "Yeah it is; slow down Haz, you'll loose it."

Haz: *Foot down, hits 60mph, turns into roundabout, looses back end...*

Everyone: "Ah shit..."

Yeah...Basically we hit the curb sideways at 60mph and the backend flew up for a few feet, then when we touched down, we skidded sideways for about 17feet.

Video of the car afterward (the car was in worse state than it looked):



I'm glad to be alive. I had my friend Dave repeatedly point out how things could've been worse, and all the possibly ways we could've died. Bastard.

Well I'll have to cut it short, Yoyo is getting bored already...

Really Don't Know What To Say...

No I'm not lost for words, nor do I have a lack of witty comments at my disposal...I guess I just have a lot to write, and nothing that will apply to it all.

So...It's been far too long since I last posted (just shy of a month for those that are counting), so I feel I have to get dirty and straight down to business.


I'm still 18...Yet if anything, I'm even less mature, but since my birthday (and last post) I've been doing a lot of thinking, and it's been a while since I last done that...And I've decided that there's never the wrong time to start afresh and get your arse into gear.

On that note, I've applied to university...Yes, me...Applying to university.

Freaky shit.

Well I've applied for a course in Japanese at the University of Leeds, a course in Creative Technologies at the University of Bangor, and as a back up, a Computer Science Foundation Degree at the college I'm at now.

Obviously I'd rather do the first two, and out of those, I'm swaying back and forth between which I'd prefer.

Some days I want to sit in a dark room and program video games (well...that doesn't really make it sound great...but...Shut the fuck up).

And other days I want to go the land of anime and fetishes even I'd stay away from.

...but as always, there is a downside...I screwed over my UCAS application form, and forgot to put down that I'm doing a BTEC right now...So it looks like I've got my crappy GCSEs and nothing else (as for my GCSEs, I was under the influence for some of them).

Got Christmas coming up now...And as usual, I'm my bah humbug type self.

"Don't get me anything so I don't have to get you anything".

Yeah, it sucks, but I never have any cash (and most argue no morals either) so this is what I'm forced to do.

Ah well, I'm sure I'll have a good day regardless...Start off the day at mother's house, and shoot over to Liverpool to spend the rest of the day with father. Jolly good!

On an unrelated note...Cosplay.

Yep...A lot of you now have just spat out what ever was in your mouth (most likely a cock)...But I'm thinking of doing a cosplay for shits and giggles.

As I've said to a friend of mine (who best well be reading this *makes angry face*) I'll probably jump in the deep end and crossplay, yeah, not so surprising for a few of you...But sod it.

Bible Black school outfit? Hell yes. I'd be wearing it to Mindless Self Indulgence gig coming up.

What's that you say? MSI gig? Are you stuck in the past?

NO!

They're coming back over here in April...It'll be planned a whole lot better this time, and I can get a picture with Jimmy and Lyn-Z (as I missed on that last time). So hopefully you'll have the pleasure...No, the honour of reading another write up on another MSI gig!

Wow...This wasn't really as long as I thought it might have been...Ah well, I'll try and keep updating a lot more frequently.

Have a lovely what ever the hell you celebrate this time of year.

Ah Fuck! ...Wanking Cramp!

Wanking cramp. The scourge of all the Guitar Hero players in the world.

It was the UK release of Guitar Hero 3 yesterday, and obviously I was first in line to get it for my PlayStation 3.

As I did with Guitar Hero 2 and Rocks The 80's, I planned to defeat the game in a day...The main set list at least.

Get home about 12pm, and start playing the game at about 1. I remember opening the box, and looking at the Les Paul in its glory for the first time. After plugging it in and sorting the dongle out...I was ready to rock.

I fire up the game for the first time, and I was greeted with a message on my HDTV.

"No HDMI input detected"

Ah fuck.

I had to manually remove 1080i from the list of possible outputs via my PS3's XMB and I was good to go.

I already knew most of what to expect, but the game doubled what I thought I'd feel.

Being a huge Guitar Hero fan I knew that'd I'd enjoy the game; sure Harmonix aren't in the credits this time around...But it still felt like a GH game, just with a redesigned GUI...Nothing wrong with that.

I jumped straight into Expert, I knew there were a few more songs in the main setlist than GH2...But I beat that in 3 hours, failing only one song once (fuck you to Beast and the Harlot...), and Rocks The 80's in about the same time (if you've played Play With Me, you'll know why).

Now I for a change I don't really want to write up a game review, other than explain the title of this post.

MY FUCKING FINGERS, HANDS AND ARMS ARE IN ENDLESS PAIN!

I've managed to get to the last boss battle (who gives me the dry shaft every fucking time), and I've played around 60 songs in the space of about 8 hours I guess (forgetting any breaks and sleeping time).

I was hoping to avoid pain this time. I pretty much expected it, but I really...REALLY wanted to avoid it this time around.

Needless to say, I didn't.

Another irritation relating directly to GH, is the condition of GHI syndrome.

GHI (Guitar Hero Itch) syndrome plagues all the better players, and some of the lower league players suffer from. That moment where you're intensely concentrating on nailing a passage, even worse when you're close to FC'ing a song...And you have the irresistible urge to claw at your skin, in a pinpoint location on your body (crabs does not classify as GHI).

In a closing statement, I want to say that all higher level players of GH are masochists. Down to the last excruciating pain in our hands...We enjoy it...That's why we go back for more...And more...And even more...In fact, Raining Blood anyone?

Gamer Army

2 posts in one day.

I spoil you.

Anyway, I not long ago signed up to the Gamer Army, an elitest group of gamers that are the few, the pro and more importantly, we're the 1337.

So here's me spreading propaganda.





Sign up here: http://www.gamerarmy.com/

I'm Still Alive...Partially

Just letting you all know that I've had a lot on my plate recently, and that's why there has been a severe lack of me in your lives (physically aswell).

I turned 18 on the 3rd of this month...Good times.

And to be honest, nothing has changed...Sure I can legally buy alcohol now, and I once again I'm of the legal age to smoke, but I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, and I've been drinking since I was about 14...Like I said, nothing has changed.

I've been playing far too much games on my PS3 after my birthday...Spent about £190 on games...Not bad going eh?

Found out just how true the following saying is aswell:

"You always want what you can't have a lot more than anything else."

Argh indeed.

Need something else now to pad out the rest of this post...

Hmm, a joke that has my sense of humour almost nailed to a cross...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Brilliant, I know.

You might hear from my this week, I'm buying Guitar Hero 3 on my PS3 this friday, I may share my experiences with it.