Sorry Pritchard!

First blog post in a while...But a more than important one that's for sure.

Let's cut the bullshit and get to the chase.

Thanks to Dainton, I prank called Matthew Pritchard (both of the best TV show around, Dirty Sanchez).

Trying to get his number round like wildfire (07929275462) I posted it on 4chan (along with the first of two rough transcripts of the phone call I made).

Turns out that news spreads faster than you might think.

Another poster on 4chan kindly linked everyone to this: http://www.budaily.com/?p=104

Shit...News DOES travel fast.

I'm famous on the Internet for pranking a legend...Wow, I guess this makes up for Play.com not delivering GT5 Prologue today.

Anyway...First copy of transcript:

My first call went something like this:

“Pritchard’s personal assistant” (sounded like Dainton) then he asked me my name, I said Mr Spanksworthy…He asked me if I wanted to leave a message and he put the phone on loudspeaker and recorded me saying “Hi Pritchard, I just wanted to let you know that your mother’s underwear is stickier than usual tonight…” and then he cut me off (loudspeaker) and said something like “You fucking cunt I’ll come and rape your mother in the arse in a minute!”

...and the second...

"Pritchard's PA here" (sounded like Dainton)

"Alright, is Pritchard there?"

"No, this is his PA, his personal assistant.

Do you want to leave a message?"

"Yeah ok"

"What's your name then please?"

"Mr Spanksworthy"

"Mr Spanksworthy?"

"Yeah"

"Right just wait a minute and when I say leave your message"

"OK"

"When you're ready"

"Alright Pritch, I just wanted to let you know that your mother's underwear is stickier than usual lately..."

(Obviously Pritchard pissed off now)

"YOU FUCKING CUNT! I'LL FUCKING RAPE YOUR MOTHER IN THE ARSE I WILL!"

*Me laughing the whole time*

*He hangs up*

...I honestly can't wait to see this uploaded.

Gamer Army

2 posts in one day.

I spoil you.

Anyway, I not long ago signed up to the Gamer Army, an elitest group of gamers that are the few, the pro and more importantly, we're the 1337.

So here's me spreading propaganda.





Sign up here: http://www.gamerarmy.com/

I'm Still Alive...Partially

Just letting you all know that I've had a lot on my plate recently, and that's why there has been a severe lack of me in your lives (physically aswell).

I turned 18 on the 3rd of this month...Good times.

And to be honest, nothing has changed...Sure I can legally buy alcohol now, and I once again I'm of the legal age to smoke, but I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, and I've been drinking since I was about 14...Like I said, nothing has changed.

I've been playing far too much games on my PS3 after my birthday...Spent about £190 on games...Not bad going eh?

Found out just how true the following saying is aswell:

"You always want what you can't have a lot more than anything else."

Argh indeed.

Need something else now to pad out the rest of this post...

Hmm, a joke that has my sense of humour almost nailed to a cross...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Brilliant, I know.

You might hear from my this week, I'm buying Guitar Hero 3 on my PS3 this friday, I may share my experiences with it.

A Week From Now...There Will Be Hell. It's Going To Be Dandy!

Yep, the time has come, 7 days from now (leading to the 21st of October), I'll be going to see Mindless Self Indulgence.

Fuck yes.

Anyway...So far there hasn't been much in the way of going wrong on this endeavour.


Things are going well. A little too well if you ask me, I've been waiting for things to pack in and mess up, but aside from having trouble getting a suitable skirt...Things are good. I'm worried.

I'm sharing a hotel room with my friend, and I'm honestly scared that he'll try to rape me. Seriously, I'll be hooking him (and myself up) to avoid that.

As for the skirt, yeah, I've been saved; a friend of mine who knows exactly what type of clothing I like said she'd bail me out there...Good times.

So it goes like this:

MSI Our Pain Your Gain T-Shirt.
This skirt (not sure what it looks like...Just above the knee anyway).
Pink fishnets.
Boots.

And I'll be raping LynZ and Kitty. There will be pictures, and hopefully video of the ordeal.

Wish me luck...Cunts.

I Wont Remember Posting This In A Week To Come

This is a more old fashioned post right here...Where I do a lot of cryptic bitching and moaning, and I leave you to put the pieces together...The problem being I've not given you all the pieces, so after stressing for several hours putting this thing together, you're staring at a little hole, the last piece of the puzzle...You know what the picture is, but without it, it's not what you think it is. The beauty of illusions.

I've not been 'myself' for the the past several months know...I recently tried explaining to a friend that there are blank periods...Weeks and days that I honestly can't remember experiencing...Could you live life like that? Could you call it living?

Now I'm not sure why it is exactly, that these blank periods exist...But I can point a few fingers and take a few wild guesses. Top of the list would be drugs.

I'm a good boy. I'm intelligent. I know a lot of the bad points, and most of the good points about drugs. I've always refused to shoot up, and I'll never give into that. If I'm to be honest, it's less of the side effects inherent with the drugs involved, more of what I could potentially catch from a second hand needle etc...

But yes, drugs aside, another cause for these blank moments; the drifting in and out of days causes me to loose track. I don't just mean forgetting the time, I mean forgetting the week and the month. I almost hate to admit it, but this is me.

I'm at that point in my life where I'm meant to be planning ahead, preparing for things to come. Well how the fuck am I meant to do that if I honestly can't prepare for the continuous 5 seconds in front of me. Day in, day out. Nothing changes.

Now I'm all for living in a familiar environment (See: bedroom, pub, college), but I can't keep on like this, I need to seriously snap out of it.

Now, I'll avoid the rest of this sounding like some angsty teen bullshit by pumping some of my on-the-spot philosophy into this...

The only people that have a real track of time these days are the people that climb mountains, or the people that invent things for a living (I don't mean like the latest quad core CPU, or a car fast enough to get you to your destination before you start its engine). Nothing is ever the same, no fresh invention is the same twice, no mountain is the same (you get the point). Yet these are the people that are always ready in life.

Now what do I want to do for a living (read below)? The peak of optimism. Originally (and more realistically), I wanted to be a network security consultant. Either way they both point in the same direction, and more importantly, they have the same goal.

Live life easily and forget about EVERYTHING.

Everything.

Nothing.

It's all about making cash and living an easier life.

Well perhaps this is my body and mind gearing up for this, maybe I'm kicking into the swing of things several decades, and several pay-checks early. That, or maybe, just maybe I'm falling back into the problem of thinking into things far too much.

I'm all for the saying, 'life's too short'. And it's based on this reason, and this one alone that I try to disband my morals, and stop caring for anything/one.

Everything in the world exists as one thing, a form of interaction...To me, this is also the same as being a distraction.

To quote Mr Gorman:

"I was told it would be me, my imagination, and my laptop. But that wasn't the case at all, as you'll find my laptop is connected to the Internet, and the Internet contains everything in the whole wide world, ever. Now I don't know about you but I tend to find everything in the whole wide world to be a little distracting."

He has a point.

This leads me to believe that not only is everything a form of distraction, but this very same distraction reproduces, and becomes more than twice the original payload.

There are a lot of ways to look at any sayings and phrases in life. And it is for this reason alone that it is hard to find anything to apply 100% to any situation.

I've just tested a phrase of mine out...I asked an acquaintance to say the first single word that comes into his head.

First reply:

For fuck's sake.

After I explained that I was only after a single word he replied...

Twat.

Want to know my phrase?

As a singular, modular or whole entity. The human race is essentially 100% fucked.

Sleep well.

Change In My Ideal Career

Game reviewer.

I'm getting straight to the point with this one. I want to review games. I want to get paid to play game and write a page or two about them. And more importantly, it'll get me the girls.


I play far too many video games...In fact, forget that, I don't play enough, you can never play enough. I've just done a college project involving a video camera and me researching AI...What do I do? I video myself playing Stranglehold for 5 minutes (and getting a 35 star kill style chain (will host somewhere if you want it)). Of course 5 minutes is far from enough footage for a college project.

...So I started playing Heavenly Sword.

*Fingers crossed for top marks!*

Now because of this reason I'll be writing a few more game related blogs on here, and depending on how popular (term used loosely...Should read: "If the 3 people that read my blog..."), request it, I could make another, totally gaming focused blog. I don't really want to start that though unless I'm sure I'll have at least a handful of people interested. And on a related note, don't worry, you'll still get to feel the heat of my cynicism and hate for everything living, dead and in between here.

Now I've asked for responses a few times in the past, but I really do want to hear what you have to say about this...I'm nearing my 18th birthday, and it is then, I will gain my class specific
quest in life (class: gamer, quest title: get off your arse and get a job).

Now to taint this post with some of my distrust in common man...But I'm having a problem, I just feel like I'm lacking inspiration today. I'm waiting amuse myself with Yahtzee's latest bitch about a certain game over at Escapist Magazine, and until then, I'm feeling partially happy, and this strange feeling is making me say things to others I usually wouldn't (I'm told it's called, 'being nice')...But I have a good reason for this.

My Mindless Self Indulgence tickets came today...It'll be one hell of a night according things go to plan, and more importantly, I set up some form of a plan in the first place.

Zero's final thought: Go check out GameAscent, it's an upcoming gaming community that you want to be a part of...No really, you do.

I'm Cursed, But I'm Happy I'm Not The Only One Suffering

The ability to take out the pieces of the puzzle and think about ones actions in a hypothetical situation.

I hate thinking too much...In fact, it's a combination of the ability to look too deeply into things, mixed with far too much common sense. I can make the most simplest of situations seems more complex than quantum physics.

For example...I've been thinking of legally changing my name for a while now (perhaps to Lain...Bonus points if you know where it's from). Now along with that, I was over thinking about the implications that come with it in no time at all, what I spent a while thinking of though was the mental change that would come with it.

For the simple act of changing my name, I began thinking of spiritual symbolism and the changes that come with that.

This is what happens when I don't smoke weed, hell I've been compared to that guy in Road Trip before (same situation as me, but he smokes weed to slow his thought train down).

But like the title explains, I get a large amount of pleasure knowing that there are others like me (to an extent). So as I start thinking...I try and involve these types of people, that way I can really play with their minds, hell I know what it's like to be in their position, so really screwing them up is like riding a bike...Once you know how...You can ruin people's lives for ever...Or something like that.

On a semi-related topic...I want some name change suggestions... Leave them as a comment to this post, I'm heavily in favour of Lain right now though (keeping my middle and surnames).

A Homage To Swear/Curse Words

I'm fully aware just how childish this sounds, like an eleven-teen year old that understands the fun they can have when they first learn the word shit or bastard etc...

But these words deserve a certain amount of respect.

I've defused many a difficult situation with a carefully placed "fuck". And even more the the Everest of words...Cunt (more on that later).

So I say it, with a meaningful grin on my face, thank you swear words, thank you very much so.

I'm going to make a special mention now to what is deemed by many as, 'The word worse than all others'.

Cunt.

Isn't is such a beautifully harsh word? You know that when you hear that one single word, the conversation is over, pack up your shit and go as you've got a ride to catch on the cunt express. The word can be used and adapted to a multitude of situations, and more importantly, like most other swear words, they can be an addition to another set of words (bonus points if the original word(s) belongs to the swear word family).

For example, you could call someone a 'shit'. It's a modest word, it will change the tone of any situation, and all eyes will be on you...But it is almost certain that people will be disgusted.

But that can be avoided, say for example you not only said the word 'shit', but followed it with a '...munching thunder cunt'.

See that, three extra words, and the whole situation has changed. The phrase 'shit munching thunder cunt' has transformed that disgust, to a certain amount of admiration to say the least.

That phrase alone has gotten me a girl's number at least six times.

So experiment, expect the occasional downfall, but most of all, pay respect to these words. Say it, and say it loudly...

I fucking love swearing!

A Game That Should Exist

You may know that I moderate the gaming forum "Games People Play" over at Totse.com, and if you know that, then you'll know I eat, breath and sleep video games.

In another light, someone said that PurePwnage is simply a documentary based on my life.

Anyway, I could go on about myself all day, and to be honest, I rather would...But apparently the sun doesn't shine out of my arse, and I'm not the centre of the universe (blasphemous bastards, the lot of you).

Well that was a brief introductory to explain that I've been around the block in terms of video games, and therefore I'm an opinionated bastard, with an opinion that stands for something.

Now, I've been throwing movies onto my fancy pants new PlayStation 3 for the past week (it's lovely, and all you 360 fanboys can go catch a bus. With your faces.); one of these movies was Equilibrium.

Now you may be thinking, "What the fuck is that?" and/or, "By the sound of things, you watch some serious shit."...If you think either of these things, then I suggest you go to your medicine cabinet, consume the entire contents of said cabinet, and stick a plastic bag over your head, taking deep, heavy breathes as you slowly rid the planet of your dithering existence.

Equilibrium is set following an apocalyptic third world war, the strict government of the dystopian city-state Libria has eliminated war by suppressing all human emotion. In the monochromatic and sedated society, artifacts from the old world (works of art and music that may evoke some emotion) are destroyed and the population is required to take sedatives. Grammaton Cleric First Class John Preston, a man trained to locate and arrest those guilty of feeling emotions, finds himself abandoning the drug and experiencing outlawed feelings. As he struggles to conceal his feelings from his superiors, colleagues, and family, Preston finds himself drawn into a sinister world of double-crossings and lies, and becomes an unwitting pawn in a sophisticated plot which ultimately changes the repressed society forever.

But enough of quoting Wikipedia...Go and rent the film, and form your own outlook on it, you drones of human existence.

Watched it yet? Good.

Now you see a lot of games that can cure the average frat boys virtual bloodlust these days...But I'm far from falling into that stereotype, hell, I'd probably consider myself to be bouncing along the other end of the scale.

And in turn, you'll see a lot of 'fun and happy' games including bright colours, and the unrealistic idea of a happy ending.

So you have several categories covered...But what about the games for malevolant bastards like me, who get erections at the thought of putting infants into an oversized blender (virtually and hypothetically of course).

Now you maybe thinking back to the film, sure, not a lot of blood...But hold on a minute, there were quite a few deaths.

Here's some trivia for you, The character John Preston is recorded as obtaining the most on screen kills ever. More than the likes of Rambo, James Bond and Blade.

Now for the number buffs, the recorded number is 118 kills...Which I could obtain after about 2-3 hours playing DoDS, but the main difference, and a pretty damn good reason to make the game is this.

Gun Kata.

The way of the gun.

It's efficient, likely to keep you alive in improbable situations, allows you to cause maximum potential damage in any given situation...And it looks fucking awesome.

Also, with today's fancy pants HD graphics, and realistic physics...It's a possible trophy winning celebration of mass killings with added style.

I'd ask your opinions on this one, but I know that I'm right.

MSI Invading Europe? I'm Invading Them

I'm a big Mindless Self Indulgence fan...So when I heard that they were making their way to Europe (including the UK), I was there no matter what.

Don't have the tickets just yet, but they're only £11.50, so I'll have them soon enough...Best of all, it's the last show of the tour, they'll go out with one hell of a bang.

I'm hoping that this will make up for the short Wakestock.

I do have a plan though for this show...Little Jimmy Urine gives his fans kisses for a $1...Our currency is better than that, so dollar notes are rare.

I have $8 lying around.

I'm going to pull the con on the bassist LynZ...I wonder I can get laid...Hell, it's not rape if you shout surprise first; right?

I Really Fucking Hate Labourers

I don't care if they do the dirty work that I sure as hell don't want to end up doing in life; but I hate them...Not dislike...Hate.

Several times already they have made my electricity trip out, causing what ever computer work I was doing at the time to be lost (and for once, this isn't me looking at porn).

The funny thing is, one of them is sat on my floor, no less than a metre away from me, and he's oblivious to both the fact that I want him to impale himself on his noisy power tools, and that I'm writing this about him and his 'co-workers'.

They make me shift my room around, and I've left myself in a corner of my room with my computer and television, I'm doing this because I don't trust them one iota. Thieving cunts.

If it wasn't for the fact that my heating will be working properly from the end of today onwards, and that I'm pleasuring myself in the thought of torturing each of them slowly; then I'd have no doubt flipped out already.

The worst thing of all, is listening to their 'conversations'.

The words that they manage to string together before throwing at each other is lower than low.

I have a 3 year old brother that comes off as Shakespeare compared to these peasants of society.

Fuckers.

Now I want to be left in peace so that I can can masturba...Get back to work.

PSP Custom Firmware Strikes Back

For those of you that don't know, I'm upto date in the PSP scene (that will be about 99% of my readers). And I just thought I'd spread the word of the new custom firmware update from the Russian Hackers M33.

They've just updated 3.52 M33 to version 3, so I suggest you update yourselves. [Link]

Careful though, if you're a member of PS3News...Or you've visited their site, delete all traces of Internet activity on both your PSP and PC before you download anything.

M33 have warned users that if they have anything to do with PS3News, then their update will brick your PSP.

They have done this because PS3News are notorious for stealing the work of others, it's the Russian way of saying, "A friend of theirs is an enemy of ours".

Many seem to think that this is the wrong way to go about the issue, but I'm alright with it, as long as it doesn't brick my PSP.

Here's my PSP these days: [Link]

Since this hasn't been as cruel and cold as I like my posts to be...I'll leave on this note:

What's worse than three dead babies in a bin?

One dead baby in three bins.

(...even though the thought makes me smile).

Catch you later fuckers.

Minnesota Harry Potter Stunt Turns...Well Good In My Opinion

Several days ago Minnesota tried to play host to possibly the largest Harry Potter publicity stunt the world has seen.

The inspiration for the idea came from knowing about the moving staircases in Hogwarts.

Suffice to say it failed epically.

The result of the event is bellow:






I'm still laughing. Not enough deaths though.

A New Me

I've decided to revert to the arsehole I grew up as...Somewhere I went soft.

Anyway...Being an argumentative shit on the Internet these days seems to be prosperous...I shall promise now though, to only ever speak the truth.

In other words, I need to do some exciting shit in order to have something worth typing.

It's going to be pretty slow for the first few weeks...But that's because I'll be waiting for a potential story to come along.

Hell, by this time next week, I'll have been to Wakestock...A field of teens drinking and listening to loud music for a weekend...If I don't get anything from that, I may aswell pack up my shit and leave the Internet for good.

...but on the other hand, I'm an obnoxious cunt sober...Let's see how a few thousand people handle me drunk.

I'll be sporting the traits of a perfect gentleman.

I'll be at least, but not limited to, the following:

* a racist.
* a womaniser.
* a pretentious arsehole (my personal favourite).
* a drunken fool who has a lack of respect for anything that contradicts with my opinion.

Hell if all goes well, I'll be called a Maddox/TuckerMax clone in no time!